To the moon.

Sometimes, well all the time. I image what its like to be.. and this will sounds pretty crazy. But i think about what its going to be like when we die. I know it can be a scary topic for most. But i can never seem to find anyone willing to talk about it with me. I always think of the beauty of our universe. The heavens, the comas of space and planets that we know rarely little about. I imagine, we go back to where we have came from, kinda like in dragon ball z. We go to the stars, the dark, surrounded by so much light and beauty. If your a star gazer like me you’ll maybe grab the feeling im trying to get out. I just have this sense that we are apart of that, more than we can ever know. Apart of something so big, we can’t picture it, well. We can, we can picture our milky way galaxy. We can see many other ones just like our own. Streaming with beautiful colors, purples, blues, reds, pinks. Scattered across tons an millions of sparkles all around us. I wonder almost everyday what is the meaning to be here, on our beautiful planet we call home. I feel lonely sometimes because i feel like i am the only one who questions an thinks this way. But, i every night i turn to the stars, and i feel a calm come to me. Knowing its going to be okay. Ive learned to follow my wondering mind, and never let it go. Holding on to where it takes me. I feel like i’m going to be there one day, floating, visiting and looking apon this great mystery above ive spent my life looking at from the ground. Peace, and bliss.

My secret place.

My small room, white with shelfs and assorted things. Little, but sound. My cat kuro already asleep waiting for me to join him. I see a small candle at the third top row of my shelf, red in color with the yellow flicker from the flame. A dawn shadow glowing on each wall, coming to take over the room. I walk further in, sit on my love seat facing not anything but the window. I sink, sink into its soft cushion letting it carry me away. I look out, seeing the snow fall slowly in font of me.  Watching every snowflake twinkle its way down, thick without a hurry. My eyes widen taking in every color. It was my favorite time of the year, start of winter. I look up and see the painters delight sky slowly creeping away, the dusk clouds moving in, for a long snowy night. I sit and watch for a awhile. Thinking about the feelings that come. Such a silent, peaceful calming sight, never wanting it to end inside. One with the world and watching it move like it watches you. One day, i will find this again and never let it go. My home. FB_IMG_1481215409975

Never say never.

Im mostly in love with many many things. I spend a lot of my time day dreaming about them. Dreaming about the life i want to live. I know what your thinking, Just go do it! Right, heard it many times before. But as always, it’s definitely not easy. I think about it so much ive come to understand that its going to be so hard for me. To get where i need to be to be that person who i want. I know. Its confusing because im not being so clear. But, im going to try. Get ready for a long ass post and ill try my best. Since i was younger, i noticed a weird sense. Well, i never really realized it until now future me. But i remember growing up watching this old classic toon. I only remember the scene, it went a little like, a side view of these little rooms for bugs, flys. and i remember something putting sticky paper on the beds of the rooms where the flys would come in, kinda like a bug hotel. i remember seeing the girl bug stuck to the bed an trying to fly up and get free but she would just go back down to the paper unable to move. Next i remember the spider at the end of the boxed rooms, i think he was the one who put the sticky paper down to catch them. She was trying and trying and even more when she seen the spider check the rooms, i remember wanting to watch the movie, at least i think it was a movie, over and over again. Just because of that scene. I can see her wiggling and moving around trying to get away in my head. Even to this day. Its a weird thought and feeling i get with it. i guess im trying to put little pieces of me together as i write this. Growing up i had a few boyfriends, nothing to serious. Just in high school. I didn’t start my real relationship untill i was 18, and had gone all the way. And mind you, everyone tells you your first time is so amazing an so great, well mine, definitely was not. it felt awful. It was the worst pain ever, and i swore i would never do it again. And, i didn’t, for awhile. Not until i was 20. I found my ever showing spark that i kept ignoring for those two years i was absence. I kept seeing it over and over in my head, me calling out the word daddy in the middle of the night while i touched an imaged being taken and someone just pushing my walls away as i wanted so so bad. Because, i never felt like i could do it on my own. Look at someone in the eye and say, ive only been fucked once but i want you to fuck the shit out of me while i let it all out an make me forget the crippling feel of existence. And the person i found an opened up too about it all, said ok. He wanted too. But it was only hopes and dreams. I ended up walking to my car crying because it didn’t feel right. I don’t want to be asked, can i touch you, i want to be told, i will touch you. And to this day. I haven’t experienced it.  Maybe why im here because it is a lot apart of me, apart of my depression and anxiety with people. Always searching for that one that will take me away. But to scared to get out and say, I want it, maybe it is why im here. Writing this. My escape.